The RENTy Horror Picture Show
by TheyCallMeMimi
Summary: A crossover between RENT-the musical and Rocky Horror. Enjoy!


The RENTy Horror Picture Show  
Audience lines and directions are in italics and are marked off by brackets. Feel free to add in your own ideas! FYI, "cover" means to say the word given over the words that are being said. Echo means you say the line WITH the character.  
Things you need:  
Lighter  
Candy wrappers  
Dry cereal  
Flashlight  
Coins  
  
[Where do I begin?]  
Mark:  
We begin on Christmas Eve with me, Mark, and my roommate, Roger. [Bad grammar!]  
We live in an industrial loft on the corner of 11th street and Avenue B, the top floor of what was once a music-publishing factory. Old rock 'n' roll posters hang on the walls. They have Roger's picture advertising gigs at CBGB's [sing: ABCDEFG . . .] and the Pyramid Club. We have an illegal wood burning stove; its exhaust pipe crawls up to a skylight. All of our electrical appliances are plugged into one thick extension cord that snakes [stretch the "s" into a hiss] its way out a window. Outside, a small [cover: leak] tent city has sprung up in the lot next to our building. Inside, we are freezing because we have no heat.  
  
[What does the school photographer say?]  
  
Smile!   
[When were you last laid?]  
Mark:  
December 24th, Nine PM  
Eastern Standard Time  
From here on in  
I shoot without a script  
See if anything comes of it  
Instead of my old shit  
First shot - Roger   
Tuning the Fender guitar  
He hasn't played in a year  
Roger:  
This won't tune  
Mark:  
[echo] So we hear   
He's just coming back  
From half a year of withdrawal  
Roger:  
Are you talking to me?  
[In a Stallone voice: You talkin' to ME?]  
Mark:  
Not at all  
Are you ready? Hold that focus -- steady  
Tell the folks at home what you're doing Roger ...  
Roger:  
I'm writing one great song - [sing the first line of OSG]  
Mark:  
The phone rings.  
[Answer it!]  
Roger:  
Saved!  
Mark:  
We screen  
Zoom in on the answering machine!  
[Zoooooooooooom!]  
Roger & Mark's Outgoing Message:  
"Speak" ... [echo] ("Beeeep!")   
Mom:  
That was a very loud beep  
I don't even know if this is working [it is]  
Mark -- Mark -- are you there [he is]  
Are you screening your calls --  
It's mom  
We wanted to call and say we love you  
And we'll miss you tomorrow  
Cindy and the kids are here -- send their love  
Oh, I hope you like the hot plate  
Just don't leave it on, dear  
When you leave the house  
Oh, and Mark  
We're sorry to hear that Maureen dumped you  
I say c'est la vie  
So let her be a lesbian...  
There are other fishies in the sea [sing: first line of song "Too Many Fish in the Sea"]  
... Love Mom!  
  
(Lights fade on Mom and answering machine)  
Tune Up #2   
Mark:  
Tell the folks at home what you're doing Roger.  
Roger:  
I'm writing one great song - [sing first line of OSG]  
Mark:  
The phone rings.  
[Answer it!]  
Roger:  
Yesss!  
Mark:  
We screen.  
Roger & Mark's Answering Machine:  
"Speak" ... [echo] ("Beeeep!")   
(Lights fade up on the street: the front-door area of Mark and Roger's building. Nearby is a battered public pay phone. Tom Collins stands at the phone)  
Collins:  
"Chestnuts roasting ---" [on an illegal stove]  
Roger & Mark:  
(as Mark picks up the phone)  
Collins!  
Collins:  
I'm downstairs...  
Mark:  
Hey!  
Collins:  
Roger picked up the phone??  
Mark:  
[echo] No, it's me.  
Collins:  
Throw down the key.  
(Mark pulls out a small leather pouch and drops it off the apron downstage center as if from a window; a weighted leather pouch plops down from "upstairs." Collins catches it)  
Mark:  
A wild night is now pre-ordained.  
(Two thugs appear from above, with clubs. They are obviously close to attacking Collins, who says back into the phone..)  
Collins:  
I may be detained.  
(Thugs mime beating and kicking Collins, who falls to the ground as lights on him fade) [get up and pretend to be beaten]  
Mark:  
What does he mean...?  
(Phone rings again)  
What do you mean, "detained"?  
  
(Lights come up on Benny, who's on a cellular phone)  
Benny:  
Ho ho ho.  
Mark & Roger:  
Benny! Shit. [cover: Santa! Shit.]  
Benny:  
Dudes, I'm on my way.  
Mark & Roger:  
Great! Fuck.  
Benny:  
I need the rent.  
Mark:  
What rent? [This RENT!]  
Benny:  
This past year's rent which I let slide.  
Mark:  
Let slide? You said we were 'golden  
Roger:  
When you bought the building  
Mark:  
When we were roommates  
Roger:  
Remember -- you lived here!?  
Benny:  
How could I forget?  
You, me, Collins and Maureen [Moo!]  
How is the drama queen?  
Mark:  
She's performing tonight  
Benny:  
I know.  
Still her production manager?  
Mark:  
Two days ago I was bumped  
Benny:  
You still dating her?  
Mark:  
Last month I was dumped  
Roger:  
She's in love  
Benny:  
She's got a new man?  
Mark:  
Well -- no  
Benny:  
What's his name?  
Both Roger & Mark:  
[Echo] Joanne!  
  
Benny:  
Rent, my amigos, is due  
Or I will have to evict you  
Be there in a few.  
(Roger defiantly picks out Musetta's theme from Puccini's La Boheme on the electric guitar. The fuse blows on the amp)  
Mark:  
The power blows ...  
(The Company bursts into a flurry of movement. Then everyone except Mark and Roger freeze in a group upstage)  
[As with any song in the show, feel free to sing along, dance, etc. I know I will.]  
Mark:  
How do you document real life  
When real life is getting more  
Like fiction each day  
Headlines -- bread-lines  
Blow my mind  
And now this deadline  
"Eviction -- or pay"  
Rent! [cover: RANT! *all other lines are covers in this song]  
Roger:  
How do you write a song  
When the chords sound wrong  
Though they once sounded right and rare  
When the notes are sour  
Where is the power  
You once had to ignite the air  
Mark:  
And we're hungry and frozen  
Roger:  
Some life that we've chosen  
Roger & Mark Together:  
How we gonna pay [How we gonna deal  
How we gonna pay How we gonna deal  
How we gonna pay How we gonna deal  
Last year's rent Let's just rant!]  
Mark:  
We light candles  
Roger:  
How do you start a fire  
When there's nothing to burn  
And it feels like something's stuck in your flue [Achoo!]  
Mark:  
How can you generate heat  
When you can't feel your feet  
Both:  
And they're turning blue!  
Mark:  
You light up a mean blaze  
(Roger grabs one of his own posters)  
Roger:  
With posters --  
(Mark grabs old manuscripts)  
Mark:  
And screenplays  
Roger & Mark:  
How we gonna pay [How we gonna deal  
How we gonna pay How we gonna deal  
How we gonna pay How we gonna deal  
Last year's rent Let's just rant!]  
(Lights go down on the loft and go up on Joanne Jefferson, who's at the pay phone)  
Joanne:  
(On the phone)  
Don't screen, Maureen  
It's me -- Joanne  
Your substitute production manager  
Hey hey hey! (Did you eat?)  
Don't change the subject Maureen  
But darling -- you haven't eaten all day  
You won't throw up [You won't grow up  
You won't throw up You won't grow up]  
The digital delay ---  
Didn't blow up (exactly)  
There may have been one teeny tiny spark  
You're not calling Mark!  
Collins:  
How do you stay on your feet  
When on every street  
It's 'trick or treat' [Trick or treat!]  
(And tonight it's 'trick')  
'Welcome back to town'  
Oh, I should lie down  
Everything's brown  
And uh -- oh  
I feel sick  
Mark:  
(At the window)  
Where is he?  
Collins:  
Getting dizzy [cover: getting busy]  
(He collapses)  
Mark & Roger:  
How we gonna pay [How we gonna deal  
How we gonna pay How we gonna deal  
How we gonna pay How we gonna deal  
Last year's rent Let's just rant!]  
Benny:  
Alison baby -- you sound sad  
I don't believe those two after everything I've done  
Ever since our wedding I'm dirt -- They'll see  
I can help them all out in the long run  
Benny:  
Forces are gathering  
Forces are gathering  
Can't turn away  
Forces are gathering  
Collins:  
Ughhhhh--  
Ughhhhh--  
Ughhhhh-- I can't think  
Ughhhhh--  
Ughhhhh--  
Ughhhhh-- I need a drink  
Mark: (reading from a script page)  
"The music ignites the night with passionate fire"  
Joanne:  
Maureen -- I'm not a theatre person  
Roger:  
"The narration crackles and pops with incendiary wit"  
Joanne:  
Could never be a theatre person  
Mark:  
Zoom in as they burn the past to the ground  
Joanne (realizing she's been cut off)  
Hello?  
Mark & Roger:  
And feel the heat of the future's glow  
Joanne:  
Hello?  
Mark:  
Hello? Maureen?  
--Your equipment won't work?  
Okay, all right, I'll go!  
Mark & Half the Company:  
How do you leave the past behind  
When it keeps finding ways to get to your heart  
It reaches way down deep and tears you inside out  
Till you're torn apart  
Rent!  
Roger & the Other Half of the Company:  
How can you connect in an age  
Where strangers, landlords, lovers  
Your own blood cells betray  
All:  
What binds the fabric together [Thread!]  
When the raging, shifting winds of change  
Keep ripping away  
Benny:  
Draw a line in the sand  
And then make a stand  
Roger:  
Use your camera to spar  
Mark:  
Use your guitar  
All:  
When they act tough - you call their bluff  
Mark & Roger:  
We're not gonna pay [How we gonna deal]  
Mark & Roger with half the Company:  
We're not gonna pay [How we gonna deal]  
Mark & Roger with the other half of the Company:  
We're not gonna pay [How we gonna deal]  
All:  
Last year's rent [Let's just rant!]  
This year's rent [We can rant!]  
Next year's rent [Let's all rant!]  
Rent rent rent rent rent [Rant rant rant rant rant!]  
We're not gonna pay rent [everyone up and rant!]  
Roger & Mark:  
'Cause everything is rent ['Cause we all need to rant]  
(The street in front of the pay phone. A homeless man appears above on the right. Across the stage, Angel Dumott Schunard is seated on the Christmas tree sculpture, with a plastic pickle tub balanced like a drum between his knees)  
  
A Homeless Man:  
Christmas bells are ringing  
Christmas bells are ringing  
Christmas bells are ringing  
Somewhere else!  
Not here  
(The homeless man exits. Angel gets a good beat going on the tub, but is interrupted by a moan. He starts to drum again and sees Collins limp to downstage-left)  
Angel:  
You okay honey?  
Collins:  
I'm afraid so  
Angel:  
They get any money?  
Collins:  
No  
Had none to get --  
But they purloined my coat --  
(Angel jumps down from the Christmas tree, kneels and wipes Collin's bloody knee) [He's touched by an Angel!]  
Well you missed a sleeve! -- Thanks  
Angel:  
Hell, it's Christmas Eve  
I'm Angel  
Collins:  
Angel..? Indeed  
An angel of the first degree  
Friends call me Collins -- Tom Collins  
Nice tree ...  
Angel:  
Let's get a Band-Aid for your knee [I am stuck on Band-Aid brand. . .]  
I'll change, there's a "Life Support" meeting at nine-thirty  
Yes -- this body provides a comfortable home  
For the Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome  
Collins:  
As does mine  
  
Angel:  
We'll get along fine  
Get you a coat, have a bite  
Make a night -- I'm flush  
Collins:  
My friends are waiting --  
Angel:  
You're cute when you blush  
The more the merri -- ho ho ho  
And I do not take no  
(Angel and Collins walk off stage right)  
(Lights come up on loft)  
Roger:  
Where are you going?  
Mark:  
Maureen calls... [Moo!]  
Roger:  
You're such a sucker!  
Mark:  
I don't suppose you'd like to see her show in the lot tonight?  
(Roger shrugs)  
Or come to dinner?  
Roger:  
Zoom in on my empty wallet.  
Mark:  
Touche. Take your AZT.  
Close on Roger  
His girlfriend April  
Left a note saying "We've got AIDS"  
Before slitting her wrists in the bathroom [Messy!]  
I'll check up on you later. Change your mind [cover: underwear]. You have to get out of the house.  
Roger:  
I'm writing one great song before I...  
One song  
Glory  
One song  
Before I go  
Glory  
One song to leave behind  
Find one song  
One last refrain [what?]  
Glory [good idea!]  
From the pretty boy front man  
Who wasted opportunity  
One song  
He had the world at his feet  
Glory  
In the eyes of a young girl [Mimi!]  
A young girl [Mimi!]  
Find glory  
Beyond the cheap colored lights  
One song  
Before the sun sets  
Glory -- on another empty life  
Time flies -- time dies  
Glory -- One blaze of glory  
One blaze of glory -- glory  
Find  
Glory  
In a song that rings true  
Truth like a blazing fire  
An eternal flame  
Find  
One song  
A song about love  
Glory  
From the soul of a young man [Roger!]  
A young man [Roger!]  
Find  
The one song  
Before the virus takes hold  
Glory  
Like a sunset  
One song  
To redeem this empty life  
Time flies  
And then - no need to endure anymore  
Time dies  
The door  
[Answer it!]  
Roger:  
What'd you forget? [Life!]  
Mimi:  
Got a light? [Flick on lighter]  
Roger:  
I know you? -- You're --  
You're shivering  
Mimi:  
It's nothing  
They turned off my heat  
And I'm just a little  
Weak on my feet  
Would you light my candle? [You bet he would!]  
What are you staring at?  
Roger:  
Nothing  
Your hair in the moonlight  
You look familiar  
Can you make it?  
Mimi:  
Just haven't eaten much today  
At least the room stopped spinning.  
Anyway. What?  
Roger:  
Nothing  
Your smile reminded me of --  
Mimi:  
I always remind people of -- who is she?  
Roger:  
She died. Her name was April  
Mimi:  
It's out again [Flick lighter off]  
Sorry about your friend  
Would you light my candle? [Flick it on]  
Roger:  
Well --  
Mimi:  
Yeah. [echo] Ow!  
Roger:  
Oh, the wax -- it's --  
Mimi:  
Dripping! I like it -- between my --  
Roger:  
Fingers. I figured...  
Oh, well. Goodnight.  
It blew out again?  
Mimi:  
No -- I think that I dropped my stash  
Roger:  
I know I've seen you out and about  
When I used to go out  
Your candle's out [Flick lighter off]  
Mimi:  
I'm illin' --  
I had it when I walked in the door  
It was pure --   
Is it on the floor?  
Roger:  
The floor?  
Mimi:  
They say I have the best ass below 14th street  
Is it true? [He thinks so!]  
Roger:  
What?  
Mimi:  
You're staring again.  
Roger:  
Oh no.  
I mean you do -- have a nice - [Say it!]  
I mean -- You look familiar  
Mimi:  
Like your dead girlfriend?  
Roger:  
Only when you smile.  
But I'm sure I've seen you somewhere else --  
Mimi:  
Do you go to the Cat Scratch Club?  
That's where I work - I dance - help me look  
Roger:  
Yes!  
They used to tie you up -- [ kinky!]  
Mimi:  
It's a living  
Roger:  
I didn't recognize you  
Without the handcuffs  
Mimi:  
We could light the candle  
Oh won't you light the candle? [Flick lighter on]  
Roger:  
Why don't you forget that stuff  
You look like you're sixteen  
Mimi:  
I'm nineteen -- but I'm old for my age  
I'm just born to be [cover: wild] bad  
Roger:  
I once was born to be [cover: wild] bad  
I used to shiver like that  
Mimi:  
I have no heat -- I told you  
Roger:  
I used to sweat  
Mimi:  
I got a cold [Achoo!]  
Roger:  
Uh huh  
I used to be a junkie  
Mimi:  
But now and then I like to --  
Roger:  
Uh huh  
Mimi:  
Feel good  
Roger:  
Here it is -- um --  
Mimi:  
What's that?  
Roger:  
It's a candy bar wrapper [Throw wrappers]  
(Roger puts it behind his back and into his pocket)  
Mimi:  
We could light the candle [Flick lighter off]  
What'd you do with my candle?  
Roger:  
That was my last match  
Mimi:  
Our eyes'll adjust, thank God for the moon  
Roger:  
Maybe it's not the moon at all  
I hear Spike Lee's shooting down the street  
Mimi:  
Bah humbug ... Bah humbug  
Roger:  
Cold hands  
Mimi:  
Yours too.  
Big. Like my father's  
You wanna dance?  
Roger:  
With you?  
Mimi:  
No -- with my father  
Roger:  
I'm Roger  
Mimi:  
They call me  
They call me Mimi  
Maureen:  
Hi. You've reached Maureen and Joanne. Leave a message and don't forget "Over the Moon" -- My performance, protesting the eviction of the Homeless (and artists) from the Eleventh Street Lot. Tonight at midnight in the lot between A and B. Party at Life Cafe to follow (BEEP) [Moooooo!]  
Mr. Jefferson:  
Well, Joanne -- We're off  
I tried you at the office  
And they said you're stage managing or something  
Mrs. Jefferson:  
Remind her that those unwed mothers in Harlem  
Need her legal help too  
Mr. Jefferson:  
Call Daisy for our itinerary or [Prince] Alfred [cover: in a can] at Pound Ridge  
Or Eileen at the state department in a pinch  
We'll be at the spa for new year's  
Unless the senator changes his mind  
Mrs. Jefferson:  
The [cover: earrings] hearings  
Mr. Jefferson:  
Oh yes - Kitten [me-OW!]  
Mummy's confirmation hearing begins on the tenth  
We'll need you -- alone -- by the sixth  
Mrs. Jefferson:  
Harold!  
Mr. Jefferson:  
You hear that?  
It's three weeks away  
And she's already nervous  
Mrs. Jefferson:  
I am not!  
Mr. Jefferson:  
For Mummy's sake, Kitten [me-OW!]  
No Doc Martens this time and wear a dress ...  
Oh, and Kitten -- have a merry  
Mrs. Jefferson:  
And a bra!!  
  
Mark:  
Enter Tom Collins, computer genius, teacher, vagabond anarchist, who ran naked through the Parthenon.  
Mark & Collins:  
Bustelo -- Marlboro  
Banana by the bunch  
A box of Captain Crunch will taste so good [Throw cereal]  
Collins:  
And firewood  
Mark:  
Look -- it's Santa Claus [Ho ho- *if you time this right, it will go just like "ho ho ho-ld]  
Collins:  
Hold your applause  
Roger:  
Oh hi  
Collins:  
'Oh hi' after seven months?  
Roger:  
Sorry  
Collins:  
This boy could use some Stoli  
Collins, Mark & Roger:  
Oh holy night  
Roger:  
You struck gold [cover: on MTV] at MIT?  
Collins:  
They expelled me for my theory of Actual Reality  
Which I'll soon impart  
To the couch potatoes at New York University  
Still haven't left the house?  
Roger:  
I was waiting for you, don't you know?  
Collins:  
Well, tonight's the night  
Come to the Life Cafe after Maureen's show  
Roger:  
No flow  
Collins:  
Gentlemen, our benefactor on this Christmas Eve  
Whose charity is only matched by talent, I believe  
A new member of the Alphabet City avant-garde  
Angel Dumott Schunard! [Golf claps!] [? Oblige the people who yell this]  
  
Angel:  
Today for you -- tomorrow for me  
Today for you -- tomorrow for me  
Collins:  
And you should hear her beat!  
Mark:  
You earned this on the street?  
Angel:  
It was my lucky day today on Avenue A  
When a lady in a limousine drove my way  
She said, [echo] "Dahling -- be a dear -- haven't slept in a year  
I need your help to make my neighbor's yappy dog disappear"  
"This Akita-Evita just won't shut up  
I believe if you play non-stop that pup  
Will breathe its very last high-strung breath  
I'm certain that cur will bark itself to death"  
Today for you -- tomorrow for me  
Today for you -- tomorrow for me  
We agreed on a fee -- A thousand dollar guarantee  
Tax-free -- and a bonus if I trim her tree  
Now who could foretell that it would go so well  
But sure as I am here that dog is now in doggy hell  
After an hour -- Evita -- in all her glory  
On the window ledge of that 23rd story  
Like Thelma & Louise did when they got the blues  
Swan dove into the courtyard of the Gracie Mews  
Today for you -- tomorrow for me  
Today for you -- tomorrow for me  
Then back to the street where I met my sweet  
Where he was moaning and groaning on the cold concrete  
The nurse took him home for some mercurochrome  
And I dressed his wounds and got him back on his feet  
Sing it!  
Today for you -- tomorrow for me  
Today for you -- tomorrow for me  
Today for you -- tomorrow for me  
Today for you -- tomorrow for me  
[As Benny enters, boo him profusely]  
Benny:  
Joy to the world--  
Hey, you bum -- yeah, you, move over  
Get your ass off that range rover  
Mark:  
That attitude toward the homeless is just what  
Maureen is protesting tonight. [Moo!]  
Close up: Benjamin Coffin the third, our ex-roommate who married Alison Grey, of the Westport Greys -- then bought the building and the lot next door from his father-in-law in hopes of starting a cyber-studio.  
Benny:  
Maureen is protesting [Moo!]  
Losing her performance space  
Not my attitude  
Roger:  
What happened to Benny  
What happened to his heart  
And the ideals he once pursued?  
Benny:  
The owner of that lot next door  
Has a right to do with it as he pleases  
Collins:  
Happy birthday, Jesus! [How old is he?]  
Benny:  
The rent [That was a few scenes ago!]  
Mark:  
You're wasting your time  
Roger:  
We're broke  
Mark:  
And you broke your word -- this is absurd  
Benny:  
There is one way you won't have to pay  
Roger:  
I knew it!  
Benny:  
Next door, the home of Cyber Arts, you see  
And now that the block is re-zoned  
Our dream can become a reality  
You'll see boys [I'll see what?]  
You'll see boys [Oh boy!] [Oh girl!] [Oh shut up!]  
A state of the art, digital, virtual interactive studio  
I'll forego your rent and on paper guarantee  
That you can stay here for free  
If you do me one small favor  
Mark:  
What?  
Benny:  
Convince Maureen to cancel her protest [He won't]  
Mark:  
Why not just get an injunction or call the cops  
Benny:  
I did, and they're on stand by  
But my investors would rather  
I handle this quietly  
Roger:  
You can't quietly wipe out an entire tent city  
Then watch 'It's a Wonderful Life' on TV!  
Benny:  
You want to produce films and write songs? [He does]  
You need somewhere to do it!  
It's what we used to dream about  
Think twice before you pooh-pooh it  
You'll see boys  
You'll see boys  
You'll see -- the beauty of a studio  
That lets us do our work and get paid  
With condos on the top  
Whose rent keeps open our shop  
Just stop the protest  
And you'll have it made  
You'll see -- or you'll pack  
[Sing: Bye, bye Ben-ny-to the tune of Bye Bye Birdie]  
Angel:  
That boy could use some Prozac [Yay Prozac!]  
Roger:  
Or heavy drugs  
Mark:  
Or group hugs [Hug people nearby]  
Collins:  
Which reminds me --  
We have a detour to make tonight  
Anyone who wants to can come along  
Angel:  
Life support's a group for people coping with life  
You don't have to stay too long  
Mark:  
First I've got a protest to save  
Angel:  
Roger?  
Roger:  
I'm not much company you'll find  
Mark:  
[echo] Behave!  
Angel:  
He'll catch up later -- He's just got other things on his mind  
You'll see boys  
Mark & Collins:  
We'll see boys  
Roger:  
Let it be boys!  
Collins:  
I like boys  
Angel:  
Boys like me  
All:  
We'll see.  
[Look, it's a bird, it's a plane, it's SUPER MARK! There he goes to save the day!]  
Mark:  
And so into the abyss...The lot. Where a small stage is partially set up.  
Joanne:  
(playing with some wires)  
"Line in"...  
I went to Harvard for this? [You went to Harvard?]  
Mark:  
Close on Mark's nose dive.  
Joanne:  
"Line out"...  
Mark:  
Will he get out of here alive...?  
(Joanne notices Mark approaching)  
Joanne:  
Mark?  
Mark:  
Hi.  
Joanne:  
I told her not to call you  
Mark:  
That's Maureen  
But can I help since I'm here  
Joanne:  
I've hired an engineer ...  
Mark:  
Great!  
Well, nice to have met you...  
Joanne:  
Wait!  
She's three hours late  
The samples won't delay  
But the cable --  
Mark:  
There's another way  
Say something -- anything  
Joanne: (into the mike)  
[Echo] Test -- one, two three --  
Mark:  
Anything but that  
Joanne:  
This is weird  
Mark:  
It's weird  
Joanne:  
Very weird  
Mark:  
Fuckin' weird  
Joanne:  
I'm so mad  
That I don't know what to do  
Fighting with microphones  
Freezing down to my bones  
And to top it all off  
I'm with you  
Mark:  
Feel like going insane?  
Got a fire in your brain?  
And you're thinking of drinking gasoline?  
Joanne:  
As a matter of fact --  
Mark:  
Honey, I know this act  
It's called the 'Tango Maureen'  
The Tango Maureen  
It's a dark, dizzy merry-go-round  
As she keeps you dangling  
Joanne:  
You're wrong  
Mark:  
Your heart she is mangling  
Joanne:  
It's different with me  
Mark:  
And you toss and you turn  
'Cause her cold eyes can burn  
Yet you yearn and you churn and rebound  
Joanne:  
I think I know what you mean  
Both:  
The Tango Maureen  
Mark:  
Has she ever pouted her lips  
And called you 'Pookie'  
Joanne:  
Never!  
Mark:  
Have you ever doubted a kiss or two?  
Joanne:  
This is ... spooky  
Did you swoon when she walked through the door?  
Mark:  
Every time -- so be cautious  
Joanne:  
Did she moon over other boys --?  
Mark:  
More than moon --  
Joanne:  
I'm getting nauseous  
[If you want, get up and tango! This is the perfect time to get a little closer with your seatmates!]  
Mark:  
Where'd you learn to tango?  
Joanne:  
With the French Ambassador's daughter in her dorm room at Miss Porter's. And you?  
Mark:  
With Nanette Himmelfarb, the Rabbi's daughter at the Scarsdale Jewish Community Center.   
[Switch directions, if tangoeing]  
It's hard to do this backwards.  
Joanne:  
You should try it in heels!  
She cheated  
Mark:  
She cheated  
Joanne:  
Maureen cheated  
Mark:  
Fuckin' cheated  
Joanne:  
I'm defeated  
I should give up right now  
Mark:  
Gotta look on the bright side  
With all of your might  
Joanne:  
I'd fall for her still anyhow  
Both:  
When you're dancing her dance  
You don't stand a chance  
Her grip of romance  
Makes you fall  
Mark:  
So you think, "Might as well'  
Joanne:  
"Dance a tango to hell"  
Both:  
"At least I'll have tangoed at all"  
The Tango Maureen  
Gotta dance till your diva is through  
You pretend to believe her  
Cause in the end -- you can't leave her  
But the end it will come  
Still you have to play dumb  
Till you're glum and you bum  
And turn blue  
Mark:  
Why do we love when she's mean?  
Joanne:  
And she can be so obscene  
Mark:  
Try the mike  
Joanne:  
My Maureen-een-een-een  
Mark:  
Patched  
Joanne:  
Thanks  
Mark:  
You know -- I feel great now!  
Joanne:  
I feel lousy  
(The pay phone rings. Joanne answers)  
Honey, we're... (pause) Pookie?   
You never call me Pookie...   
Forget it, we're patched.  
Both:  
The Tango Maureen!  
  
Steve:  
Steve  
Gordon:  
Gordon  
Ali:  
Ali  
Pam:  
Pam  
Sue:  
Sue  
Angel:  
Hi, I'm Angel  
Collins:  
Tom. Collins.  
Paul:  
I'm Paul. Let's begin  
All:  
There's only us  
There's only this...  
[Clumsy!]  
Mark:  
Sorry ... Excuse me ... oops  
Paul:  
And you are?  
Mark:  
Oh -- I'm not --  
I'm just here to --   
I don't have --  
I'm here with --  
Um -- Mark  
Mark -- I'm Mark  
Well -- this is quite an operation  
Paul:  
Sit down Mark  
We'll continue the affirmation  
All:  
Forget regret or life is yours to miss  
Gordon:  
Excuse me Paul -- I'm having a problem with this  
This credo -- My T-cells are low --  
I regret that news, okay?  
Paul:  
Alright  
But Gordon - How do you feel today?  
Gordon:  
What do you mean?  
Paul:  
How do you feel today?  
Gordon:  
Okay  
Paul:  
Is that all?  
Gordon:  
Best I've felt all year  
Paul:  
Then why choose fear?  
Gordon:  
I'm a New Yorker!  
Fear's my life!  
Look - I find some of what you teach suspect  
Because I'm used to relying on intellect  
But I try to open up to what I don't know  
Gordon & Roger (who sings from his loft):  
Because reason says I should have died  
Three years ago  
All:  
No other road  
No other way  
No day but today  
[Chant: Hump the bar! Hump the bar!]  
Mimi:  
What's the time? [Tool time!]  
Well it's gotta be close to midnight  
My body's talking to me  
It says, "Time for danger"  
It says "I wanna commit a crime  
Wanna be the cause of a fight  
Wanna put on a tight skirt and flirt  
With a stranger"  
I've had a knack from way back  
At breaking the rules once I learn the games  
Get up - life's too quick  
I know someplace sick  
Where this chick'll dance in the flames [Roast chicks! Yum!]  
We don't need any money  
I always get in for free  
You can get in too  
If you get in with me  
Let's go out tonight  
I have to go out tonight  
You wanna play? [Yeah!]  
Let's run away  
We won't be back before it's Christmas day  
Take me out tonight [Meow!]  
When I get a wink from the doorman  
Do you know how lucky you'll be?  
That you're on line with the feline of Avenue B  
Let's go out tonight  
I have to go out tonight  
You wanna prowl  
Be my night owl?  
Well take my hand we're gonna howl [Awooooooo!]  
Out tonight  
In the evening I've got to roam  
Can't sleep in the city of neon and chrome  
Feels too damn much like home  
When the Spanish babies cry  
So let's find a bar  
So dark we forget who we are  
And all the scars from the  
Nevers and maybes die  
Let's go out tonight  
Have to go out tonight  
You're sweet  
Wanna hit the street?  
Wanna wail at the moon like a cat in heat?  
Just take me out tonight  
Please take me out tonight  
Don't forsake me -- out tonight  
I'll let you make me -- out tonight  
Tonight -- tonight -- tonight  
[Kiss him!]  
Roger:  
Who do you think you are? [Sing: They call her, they call her-MIMI!]  
Barging in on me and my guitar  
Little girl -- hey  
The door is that way  
You better go you know  
The fire's out anyway  
Take your powder -- take your candle  
Your sweet whisper  
I just can't handle  
Well take your hair in the moonlight  
Your brown eyes -- goodbye, goodnight  
I should tell you I should tell you  
I should tell you I should -- no!  
Another time -- another place  
Our temperature would climb  
There'd be a long embrace  
We'd do another dance  
It'd be another play  
Looking for romance?  
Come back another day  
Another day  
Mimi:  
The heart may freeze or it can burn  
The pain will ease if I can learn  
There is no future  
There is no past  
I live this moment as my last  
There's only us  
There's only this  
Forget regret  
Or life is yours to miss  
No other road  
No other way  
[Echo] No day but today  
Roger:  
Excuse me if I'm off track  
But if you're so wise  
Then tell me -- why do you need smack?  
Take your needle  
Take your fancy prayer  
And don't forget  
Get the moonlight out of your hair  
Long ago -- you might've lit up my heart  
But the fire's dead -- ain't never ever gonna start  
Another time -- another place  
The words would only rhyme  
We'd be in outer space [Mission: Mimi!]  
It'd be another song  
We'd sing another way  
You wanna prove me wrong?  
Come back another day  
Another day  
Mimi:  
There's only yes  
Only tonight  
We must let go  
To know what's right  
No other course  
No other way  
[Echo] No day but today  
Mimi & Others:  
I can't control  
My destiny  
I trust my soul  
My only goal is just  
To be  
There's only now  
There's only here  
Give in to love  
Or live in fear  
No other path  
No other way  
No day but today...   
Roger:  
Control your temper  
She doesn't see  
Who says that there's a soul?   
Just let me be...  
Who do you think you are?  
Barging in on me and my guitar  
Little girl, hey  
The door is that way  
The fire's out anyway  
  
All:  
No day but today  
No day but today   
  
No day but today  
  
No day but today  
  
No day but today  
Roger:  
Take your powder; take your candle  
Take your brown eyes, your pretty smile, your silhouette   
Another time, another place  
Another rhyme, a warm embrace  
Another dance, another way  
Another chance, another day  
[Yay Steve!]  
Steve:  
Will I lose my dignity  
Will someone care  
Will I wake tomorrow  
From this nightmare?  
Group #1:  
Will I lose my dignity  
Will someone care  
Will I wake tomorrow  
From this nightmare?  
Group #2:  
Will I lose my dignity  
Will someone care  
Will I wake tomorrow  
From this nightmare?  
Group #3:  
Will I lose my dignity  
Will someone care  
Will I wake tomorrow  
From this nightmare?  
Group #4:  
Will I lose my dignity  
Will someone care  
Will I wake tomorrow  
From this nightmare?  
Three Homeless People:  
Christmas bells are ringing  
Christmas bells are ringing  
Christmas bells are ringing --  
Out of town  
Santa Fe  
Squeegieman:  
Honest living, man!  
[Watch it!]  
Feliz Navidad!  
Homeless Person:  
Evening, officers  
(Without answering, the first officer raises his nightstick again)  
Mark (pointing his camera)  
[Shine flashlight on officer and echo] Smile for Ted Koppel, Officer Martin!  
(The first officer lowers his stick)  
Homeless Person:  
And a Merry Christmas to your family  
Police Officers  
Right!!  
Blanket Person (To Mark):  
Who the fuck do you think you are? [He's SUPERMARK!]  
I don't need no goddamn help  
From some bleeding heart cameraman  
My life's not for you to  
Make a name for yourself on!  
Angel:  
Easy, sugar, easy  
He was just trying to --  
Blanket Person:  
Just trying to use me to kill his guilt  
It's not that kind of movie, honey  
Let's go -- this lot is full of  
Motherfucking artists  
Hey artist  
You got a dollar?  
I thought not  
Angel:  
[Cover: Nerelander Theater] New York City --  
Mark:  
Uh huh  
Angel:  
Center of the universe  
Collins:  
Sing it girl --  
Angel:  
Times are shitty  
But I'm pretty sure they can't get worse [Yeah they will- YOU DIE!]   
Mark:  
I hear you  
Angel:  
It's a comfort to know  
When you're singing the hit-the-road blues  
That anywhere else you could possibly go  
After New York would be a pleasure cruise  
Collins:  
Now you're talking  
Well, I'm thwarted by a metaphysic puzzle  
And I'm sick of grading papers -- that I know  
And I'm shouting in my sleep, I need a muzzle  
All this misery pays no salary, so  
Let's open up a restaurant in Santa Fe  
Oh sunny Santa Fe would be nice  
Let's open up a restaurant in Santa Fe  
And leave this to the roaches and mice  
Collins:  
Oh -- oh  
All:  
Oh --  
Angel:  
You teach?  
Collins:  
-- I teach -- Computer Age Philosophy  
But my students would rather watch TV [Yay TV!]  
Angel:  
America  
All:  
America!  
Collins:  
You're a sensitive aesthete  
Brush the sauce onto the meat  
You could make the menu sparkle with rhyme  
You could drum a gentle drum  
I could seat guests as they come  
Chatting not about Heidegger, but wine!  
(with homeless people in the shadows)  
Let's open up a restaurant in Santa Fe  
Our labors would reap financial [cover: grains] gains  
All:  
[cover: grains, grains, grains] Gains, gains, gains  
Collins:  
We'll open up a restaurant in Santa Fe  
And save from devastation our brains [Yay brains!]  
Homeless:  
Save our brains   
All:  
We'll pack up all our junk and fly so far away  
Devote ourselves to projects that sell  
We'll open up a restaurant in Santa Fe  
Forget this cold Bohemian hell  
Oh--  
All:  
Oh--  
Collins:  
Do you know the way to Santa Fe?  
You know, tumbleweeds...prairie dogs...  
Yeah  
Mark:  
I'll meet you at the show.  
I'll try and convince Roger to go.  
(Mark exits)  
Angel:  
Alone at last...  
Collins:  
He'll be back, I guarantee.  
Angel:  
I've been hearing violins all night!  
Collins:  
Anything to do with me? Are we a thing?  
Angel:  
Darling... we're everything!  
Live in my house  
I'll be your shelter  
Just pay me back  
With one thousand kisses  
Be my lover -- I'll cover you  
Collins:  
Open your door  
I'll be your tenant  
Don't got much baggage  
To lay at your feet  
But sweet kisses I've got to spare  
I'll be there -- I'll cover you  
Both:  
I think they meant it  
When they said you can't buy love  
Now I know you can rent it  
A new lease you are, my love,  
On life -- be my life  
[Dance, dammit!]  
Just slip me on  
I'll be your tenant  
Wherever -- whatever -- I'll be your coat  
Angel:  
[Cover: You're Burger King] You'll be my king  
And I'll be your castle  
Collins:  
[Cover: No, You're Dairy Queen] No you'll be my queen  
And I'll be your moat  
Both:  
I think they meant it  
When they said you can't buy love  
Now I know you can rent it  
A new lease you are, my love,  
On life -- all my life  
I've longed to discover  
Something as true as this is  
Collins:  
So with a thousand   
sweet kisses  
I'll cover you  
With a thousand sweet kisses  
I'll cover you   
When you're worn out  
And tired  
When your heart has expired  
Angel:   
If you're cold  
And you're lonely  
You've got one nickel only  
With a thousand sweet kisses  
I'll cover you  
With a thousand sweet kisses  
I'll cover you  
Both:  
Oh lover I'll cover you  
Oh lover I'll cover you  
Joanne:  
(on cellular phone)  
Steve -- Joanne  
The Murget case?  
A dismissal!  
Good work counselor  
[Answer the phone!]  
We're okay  
Honeybear -- wait!  
I'm on the other phone  
Yes, I have the cowbell  
We're okay  
So tell them we'll sue  
But a settlement will do  
Sexual harassment -- and civil rights too  
Steve, you're great  
No you cut the paper plate  
Didja cheat on Mark a lot would you say?  
We're okay  
Honey hold on...  
Steve, hold on...  
[Answer the phone!]  
Hello?  
Dad -- yes  
I beeped you  
Maureen is coming to Mother's hearing  
We're okay  
Honeybear - what?  
Newt's lesbian sister  
I'll tell them  
You heard?  
They heard  
We're okay  
And to you dad  
Yes -- Jill is there?  
Steve gotta --  
Jill with the short black hair?  
The Calvin Klein model? [CK one- for a man or a woman]  
Steve, gotta go!  
The model who lives in Penthouse A???  
We're [Big note coming up, breathe!]  
We're okay  
I'm on my way  
Five Homeless People:  
Christmas bells are ringing  
Christmas bells are ringing  
Christmas bells are singing  
On TV - at Saks  
Squeegieman:  
Honest living, honest living [Squeegee, squeegee, squeegee, squeegee   
Honest living, honest living Squeegee, squeegee, squeegee, squeegee  
Honest living, honest living Squeegee, squeegee, squeegee, squeegee]  
All Five Homeless:  
Can't you spare a dime or two  
Here but for the grace of God go you  
You'll be merry  
I'll be merry  
Tho merry ain't in my vocabulary  
No sleighbells  
No Santa Claus  
No yule log  
No tinsel  
No holly  
No hearth  
No  
Soloist:  
'Rudolph the red nosed reindeer'  
All Five Homeless:  
Rudolph the red nosed reindeer  
No room at the Holiday Inn -- oh no  
And it's beginning to snow  
Vendors:  
Hats, bats, shoes, booze  
Mountain bikes, potpourri  
Leather bags, girlie mags  
Forty-fives, AZT  
Vendor #1:  
No one's buying  
Feel like crying  
All:  
No room at the Holiday Inn, oh no  
And it's beginning to snow  
Vendor #2  
How about a fur --  
In perfect shape  
owned by an MBA from uptown  
I got a tweed  
Broken in by a greedy  
Broker who went broke  
And then broke down [A broken, broke broker coat!]  
Collins:  
You don't have to do this  
Angel:  
Hush your mouth, it's Christmas  
Collins:  
I do not deserve you, Angel  
Collins:  
Give -- give  
All you do  
Is give  
Give me some way to show  
How much you've touched me so  
Angel:  
Wait -- what's on the floor?  
Let's see some more...   
No - no - no...  
Kiss me -- it's beginning to snow  
Mark:  
... She said, "Would you light my candle?" [Flick lighter on, then off]  
And she put on a pout  
And she wanted you  
To take her out tonight? [Sing: Owwwww-uuuut tonight!]  
Roger:  
Right  
Mark:  
She got you out!  
Roger:  
She was more than okay  
But I pushed her away  
It was bad -- I got mad  
And I had to get her out of my sight  
Mark:  
Wait, wait, wait -- you said she was sweet  
Roger:  
Let's go eat -- I'll just get fat  
It's the one vice left when you're dead meat  
There -- that's her  
Mark:  
Maureen? [Moo!]  
Roger:  
Mimi!  
Mark:  
Whoa!  
Roger:  
I should go  
Mark:  
Hey -- it's beginning to snow  
Police Officers:  
I'm dreaming of a white, right Christmas  
Mimi & Junkies:  
Follow the man -- follow the man  
With his pockets full of the jam  
Follow the man -- follow the man  
Help me out, daddy   
If you can  
Got any D man?  
The Man:  
I'm cool  
Mimi & Junkies:  
Got any [cover: semen] C man?  
The Man:  
I'm cool  
Mimi & Junkies:  
Got any X?  
Any smack?  
Any horse?  
Any jugie boogie boy?  
Any blow?  
Roger:  
Hey  
Mimi:  
Hey  
Roger:  
I just want to say  
I'm sorry for the way --  
Mimi:  
Forget it  
Roger:  
I blew up  
Can I make it up to you?  
Mimi:  
How?  
Roger:  
Dinner party?  
Mimi:  
That'll do  
The Man:  
Hey lover boy -- cutie pie  
You steal my client -- you die [Drag finger across throat and make noises]  
Roger:  
You didn't miss me -- you won't miss her  
You'll never lack for customers  
Junkies:  
I'm willin'  
I'm illin'  
I gotta get my sickness off  
Gotta run, gotta ride  
Gotta gun, gotta hide -- gotta go  
The Man:  
And it's beginning to snow  
Benny:  
Wish me luck, Alison  
The protest is on  
Coat Vendor:  
L.L Bean  
Geoffrey Beene  
Burburry zip out  
Lining  
Junkies:  
Got any C man?  
Got any D man?  
Got any B man?  
Got any crack?  
Got any X?  
Squeegieman:  
Honest living --  
Roger:  
Mark, this is Mimi --  
Mark/Mimi:  
Hi  
Roger:  
She'll be dining -- (with us)  
Coat Vendor:  
Here's a new arrival  
The Man:  
That is an ounce  
Vendors:  
Hats, dats, bats  
Collins:  
That's my coat!  
Coat Vendor:  
We give discounts  
Mark:  
I think we've met  
Angel:  
Let's get a better one  
Collins:  
It's a sham  
Mimi:  
That's what he said  
The Man:  
I said it's a gram!  
Collins:  
But she's a thief!  
Angel:  
But she brought us together  
Benny:  
Which investor is coming??  
Collins:  
I'll take the leather  
Benny:  
Your father? -- Damn!  
(The following is sung simultaneously)  
Homeless & Vendors:  
Christmas bells are swinging  
Christmas bells are ringing  
Christmas bells are singing  
In my dreams -- next year  
Once you donate you can go  
Celebrate in Tuckahoe  
You'll feel cheery  
I'll feel cheery  
Tho' I don't really know that theory  
No bathrobe  
No steuben glass  
No cappucino makers  
No pearls, no diamonds  
No 'Chestnuts roasting on an open fire'  
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire  
No room at the Holiday Inn, oh no --  
Police Officers:  
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas  
Just like the ones I used to know  
Jingle bells -- prison cells  
Fa la la la -- fa la la la  
You have the right to remain  
Silent night holy night  
Fall on your knees oh night divine  
You'll do some time  
Fa la la la la  
Fa la la la la  
Junkies:  
Got any C man?  
Got any D man?  
Got any B man?  
Got any X? -- Crack?  
I'm willin' -- I'm illin'  
Gotta get my sickness off  
C-D help me  
Follow the man -- follow the man  
Follow the man  
Jugie boogie -- jugie boogie  
Follow the man -- follow the man  
Any crack any X any jugie boogie boy  
Any blow any X any jugie boogie boy  
Got any D man, got any C man  
Got any crack -- any X -- any jugie boogie?  
Coat Vendor:  
Twenty-five  
Angel:  
Fifteen  
Coat Vendor:  
Twenty-five  
Angel:  
Fifteen  
Coat Vendor:  
No way  
Twenty-four  
Angel:  
Fifteen  
Coat Vendor:  
Twenty-four  
Angel:  
Fifteen  
Coat Vendor:  
Not today  
Twenty-three  
Angel:  
Fifteen  
Coat Vendor:  
Twenty-three  
Angel:  
Fifteen  
It's old  
Coat Vendor:  
Twenty-two  
Angel:  
Fifteen  
Coat Vendor:  
Twenty-one  
Angel:  
Fifteen  
Coat Vendor:  
Seventeen  
Angel:  
Fifteen  
Coat Vendor:  
Fifteen  
Angel & Coat Vendor:  
Sold!  
Mark & Roger:  
Let's  
Go  
To  
The lot -- Maureen's performing  
Mimi:  
Who's Maureen?  
Roger:  
His ex  
Mark:  
But I am over her  
Roger:  
Let's not hold hands yet  
Mimi:  
Is that a warning?  
All Three:  
He/You/I  
Just  
Need(s)  
To take it slow  
I should tell you I should tell you  
I should tell you I should tell you  
I should tell you I ...  
All:  
And it's beginning to  
And it's beginning to  
And it's beginning to ---  
[Biker momma!]  
Maureen:  
Joanne, which way to the stage?  
All:  
Snow!!!  
Mark:  
Maureen's performance. [Finally!]  
Maureen (in front of a microphone):  
Last night I had a dream. [So what?} I found myself in a desert called Cyberland. [Isn't that . . .?] [Shut up!]  
It was hot. My canteen had sprung a leak and I was thirsty.   
Out of the abyss walked a cow -- Elsie.   
I asked if she had anything to drink.   
She said, "I'm forbidden to produce milk.   
In Cyberland, we only drink Diet Coke." [Trademark!]  
She said, "Only thing to do is jump over the moon"   
"They've closed everything real down ... like barns, troughs, performance spaces ...   
And replaced it all with lies and rules and virtual life.  
But there is a way out...  
Backups:  
Leap of faith, leap of faith  
Leap of faith, leap of faith  
Maureen:  
"Only thing to do is jump over the moon"  
I gotta get out of here! It's like I'm being tied  
to the hood of a yellow rental truck, being packed  
in with fertilizer and fuel oil, pushed over a cliff  
by a suicidal Mickey Mouse! [Copyright!]   
I've gotta find a way  
To jump over the moon  
Only thing to do is jump over the moon  
Backups:  
Leap of faith, leap of faith...  
Maureen:  
Then a little bulldog entered. His name (we have learned) was Benny. [Isn't that . . .?] [Shut up!]  
And although he once had principles,   
He abandoned them to live as a lap dog to a wealthy daughter of the revolution.  
"That's bull," he said.   
"Ever since the cat took up the fiddle, that cow's been jumpy.   
And the dish and the spoon were evicted from the table -- and eloped ...   
She's had trouble with that milk and the moon ever since.   
Maybe it's a female thing.   
'Cause who'd want to leave Cyberland anyway?   
Walls ain't so bad.   
The dish and the spoon for instance.   
They were down on their luck - knocked on my doghouse door.  
I said, "Not in my backyard, utensils! Go back to China!"   
"The only way out is up," Elsie whispered to me.   
"A leap of faith. Still thirsty?" she asked.  
Parched. "Have some milk."   
I lowered myself beneath her and held my mouth to her swollen udder   
And sucked the sweetest milk I'd ever tasted."  
[Slurping noises]  
"Climb on board," she said.   
And as a harvest moon rose over Cyberland,   
We reared back and sprang into a gallop.   
Leaping out of orbit!  
I awoke singing  
Backups:  
Leap of faith, leap of faith...  
Maureen:  
Only thing to do  
Only thing to do is jump  
Only thing to do is jump over the moon  
Only thing to do is jump over the moon  
Over the moon -- over the  
Moooooooo  
Moooooooo  
Moooooooo  
Moooooooo  
Moo with me. [Moo with her- of course!]  
Thank you!  
  
Restaurant Man:  
No please no  
Not tonight please no  
Mister -- can't you go --  
Not tonight -- can't have a scene  
Roger:  
What?  
Restaurant Man:  
Go, please go;  
You -- Hello, sir --  
I said, "No"  
Important customer  
Mark:  
What am I -- just a blur? [He's SUPERMARK!]  
Restaurant Man:  
You sit all night -- you never buy!  
Mark:  
That's a lie -- that's a lie  
I had a tea the other day  
Restaurant Man:  
You couldn't pay  
Mark:  
Oh yeah  
Collins:  
Benjamin Coffin III -- here?  
Restaurant Man:  
Oh no!  
All:  
[Echo] Wine and beer!  
Maureen:  
The enemy of Avenue A  
We'll stay  
Restaurant Man:  
Oy vey!  
Collins:  
What brings the mogul in his own mind to the Life Cafe?  
Benny:  
I would like to propose a toast  
To Maureen's noble try  
It went well  
Maureen:  
Go to hell [Flick Benny off]  
Benny:  
Was the yuppie scum stomped?  
Not counting the homeless  
How many tickets weren't comped?  
Roger:  
Why did Muffy --  
Benny:  
Alison  
Roger:  
Miss the show?  
Benny:  
There was a death in the family  
If you must know  
Angel:  
Who died?  
Benny:  
Our Akita  
Benny, Mark, Angel & Collins:  
Evita! [Sing: Don't cry for her, Argentina!]  
Benny:  
Mimi -- I'm surprised  
A bright and charming girl like you  
Hangs out with these slackers  
(Who don't adhere to deals)  
They make fun -- yet I'm the one  
Attempting to do some good  
Or do you really want a neighborhood  
Where people piss on your stoop every night?  
Bohemia, Bohemia's  
A fallacy in your head  
This is Calcutta  
Bohemia is dead  
[Fake crying, loud sobbing]  
Mark:  
Dearly beloved we gather here to say our goodbyes  
Collins & Roger:  
Dies irae -- dies illa  
Kyrie eleison  
Yitgadal v' yitkadash, etc.  
Mark:  
Here she lies  
No one knew her worth  
The late great daughter of mother earth  
On this night when we celebrate the birth  
In that little town of Bethlehem  
We raise our glass -- you bet your ass to - [Yay ass!]  
La vie Boheme  
All:  
La vie Boheme  
La vie Boheme  
La vie Boheme  
La vie Boheme  
[Dance Marky dance!]  
Mark:  
To days of inspiration  
Playing hooky, making something out of nothing  
The need to express --  
To communicate,  
To going against the grain,   
Going insane  
Going mad  
To loving tension, no pension  
To more than one dimension,  
To starving for attention,  
Hating convention, hating pretension  
Not to mention of course,  
Hating dear old mom and dad  
To riding your bike,  
Midday past the three piece suits  
To fruits -- to no absolutes --  
To Absolut -- to choice --  
To the Village Voice --  
To any passing fad  
To being an us for once  
Instead of a them  
All:  
La vie Boheme  
La vie Boheme  
  
Maureen:  
Is the equipment in a pyramid?  
Joanne:  
It is, Maureen  
Maureen:  
The mixer doesn't have a case  
Don't give me that face  
[Spank it!]  
Mr. Grey:  
Ahhemm  
Maureen:  
Hey Mister -- she's my sister  
Restaurant Man:  
So that's five miso soup, four seaweed salad  
Three soy burger dinner, two tofu dog platter  
And one pasta with meatless balls  
A Boy:  
Eww [Don't knock it until you try it!]  
Collins:  
It tastes the same  
Mimi:  
If you close your eyes  
Restaurant Man:  
And thirteen orders of fries  
Is that it here?  
All:  
Wine and beer!  
Mimi & Angel:  
To hand-crafted beers made in local breweries  
To yoga, to yogurt, to rice and beans and cheese  
To leather, to dildos, to curry vindaloo  
To huevos rancheros and Maya Angelou  
Maureen & Collins:  
Emotion, devotion, to causing a commotion  
Creation, vacation  
Mark:  
Mucho masturbation [Yay masturbation!]  
Maureen & Collins:  
Compassion, to fashion, to passion when it's new  
Collins:  
To Sontag  
Angel:  
To Sondheim  
Four People:  
To anything taboo  
Collins & Roger:  
Ginsberg, Dylan, Cunningham and Cage  
Collins:  
Lenny Bruce  
Roger:  
Langston Hughes  
Maureen:  
To the stage!  
Person #1:  
To Uta  
Person #2:  
To Buddha  
Person #3:  
Pablo Neruda, too  
Mark & Mimi:  
Why Dorothy and Toto went over the rainbow  
To blow off Auntie Em  
All:  
[Echo] La vie Boheme  
Maureen:  
And wipe the speakers off before you pack  
Joanne:  
Yes, Maureen  
Maureen:  
Well -- hurry back  
Mr. Grey:  
Sisters?  
Maureen:  
We're close  
Angel, Collins, Maureen, Mark & Mr. Grey:  
Brothers!  
Mark, Angel, Mimi & Three Others:  
Bisexuals, trisexuals, homo sapiens,  
Carcinogens, hallucinogens, men, Pee Wee Herman  
German wine, turpentine, Gertrude Stein  
Antonioni, Bertolucci, Kurosawa  
Carmina Burana  
All:  
To apathy, to entropy, to empathy, ecstasy  
Vaclav Havel -- The Sex Pistols, 8BC,  
To no shame -- never playing the Fame Game  
Collins:  
To marijuana  
All:  
To sodomy,   
It's between God and me  
To S & M  
Benny  
Waiter...Waiter...Waiter  
All:  
[Echo] La vie Boheme  
Collins:  
In honor of the death of Bohemia an impromptu salon will commence immediately following dinner. Mimi Marquez, clad only in bubble wrap, will perform her famous lawn chair-handcuff dance to the sounds of iced tea being stirred.  
Roger:  
Mark Cohen will preview his new documentary about his inability to hold an erection on high holy days.  
Mark:  
Maureen Johnson, back from her spectacular one-night engagement at the eleventh street lot, will sing Native American tribal chants backwards through her vocoder, while accompanying herself on the electric cello -- which she has never studied.  
[Let go of her!]  
Benny:  
Your new boyfriend doesn't know about us?  
Mimi:  
There's nothing to know  
Benny:  
Don't you think that we should discuss --  
Mimi:  
It was three months ago  
Benny:  
He doesn't act like he's with you  
Mimi:  
We're taking it slow  
Benny:  
Where is he now?  
Mimi:  
He's right -- hmm  
Benny:  
Uh huh  
Mimi:  
Where'd he go?  
Mark:  
Roger will attempt to write a bittersweet, evocative song. That doesn't remind us of "Musetta's Waltz".  
Collins:  
Angel Dumott Schunard will now model the latest fall fashions from Paris while accompanying herself on the 10 gallon plastic pickle tub.  
Angel:  
And Collins will recount his exploits as an anarchist --  
Including the successful reprogramming of the M.I.T. virtual reality equipment to self-destruct, as it broadcast the words:  
All:  
"Actual reality -- Act Up -- Fight AIDS"  
Benny:  
Check!!  
Mimi:  
Excuse me -- did I do something wrong? [You tell him, sister!]  
I get invited -- then ignored -- all night long  
Roger:  
I've been trying -- I'm not lying  
No one's perfect. I've got baggage  
Mimi:  
Life's too short, babe, time is flying [Pan-Am]  
I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine  
Roger:  
I should tell, you --  
Mimi:  
I've got baggage too  
Roger:  
I should tell you --  
Mimi:  
I got baggage, too  
Roger:  
I should tell you --  
Both:  
Baggage - wine  
Others:  
And beer!  
Mimi:  
AZT break  
Roger:   
You?  
Mimi:  
Me. [Tarzan] You? [Jane]  
Roger (nods):  
Mimi  
Roger:  
I should tell you I'm disaster  
I forget how to begin it  
Mimi:  
Let's just make this part go faster  
I have yet -- to be in it  
I should tell you  
Roger:  
I should tell you  
Mimi:  
I should tell you  
Roger:  
I should tell you  
Mimi:  
I should tell I blew the candle out [No shit!]  
Just to get back in  
Roger:  
I'd forgotten how to smile  
Until your candle burned my skin  
Mimi:  
I should tell you  
Roger:  
I should tell you [Awww, just tell her, dammit!]  
Mimi:  
I should tell you  
Both:  
I should tell  
Well, here we go  
Now we --  
Mimi:  
Oh no  
Roger:  
I know -- this something is  
Here goes --  
Mimi:  
Here goes  
Roger:  
Guess so  
It's starting to  
--Who knows?  
Mimi:  
Who knows  
Both:  
Who knows where  
Who goes there  
Who knows  
Here goes  
Trusting desire -- starting to learn  
Walking through fire without a burn  
Clinging -- a shoulder, a leap begins  
Stinging and older, asleep on pins  
So here we go  
Now we --  
Roger:  
Oh no  
Mimi:  
I know  
Roger:  
Oh no  
Both:  
Who knows where -- who goes there  
Here goes -- here goes  
Here goes -- here goes  
Here goes -- here goes  
Maureen:  
Are we packed?  
Joanne:  
Yes and by next week  
I want you to be [Talk about harsh!]  
Maureen:  
Pookie?!  
Joanne:  
And you should see  
They've padlocked your building  
And they're rioting on Avenue B  
Benny called the cops  
Maureen:  
[Cover: Good] That fuck!  
Joanne:  
They don't know what they're doing  
The cops are sweeping the lot  
But no one's leaving  
They're just sitting there, mooing!  
All:  
Yeah!!!  
To dance!  
A Girl:  
No way to make a living, masochism, pain, perfection  
Muscle spasms, chiropractors, short careers, eating disorders!  
All:  
Film!  
Mark:  
Adventure, tedium, no family, boring locations,  
Dark rooms, perfect faces, egos, money, Hollywood and sleaze!  
All:  
Music!  
Angel:  
Food of love, emotion, mathematics, isolation,  
Rhythm, feeling, power, harmony, and heavy competition!  
All:  
Anarchy!  
Collins & Maureen:  
Revolution, justice, screaming for solutions,  
Forcing changes, risk, and danger  
Making noise and making pleas!  
All:  
To faggots, lezzies, dykes, cross dressers too  
Maureen:  
To me  
Mark:  
To me  
Collins & Angel:  
To me  
All:  
To you, and you and you, you and you  
To people living with, living with, living with  
Not dying from disease  
Let he among us without sin  
Be the first to condemn  
La vie Boheme  
La vie Boheme  
La vie Boheme  
Mark:  
Anyone out of the mainstream  
Is anyone in the mainstream?  
Anyone alive--with a sex drive  
Tear down the wall  
Aren't we all?  
The opposite of war isn't peace...  
It's creation!  
Others:  
La vie boheme  
La vie boheme  
La vie boheme  
All:  
La vie Boheme  
Mark:  
The riot continues. The Christmas tree goes up in flames. The snow dances. Oblivious, Mimi and Roger share a small, lovely kiss.  
  
All:  
Viva la vie Boheme!  
Seasons Of Love   
The Company:  
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes  
Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear  
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes  
[Cover: When will this song-when will it end?] How do you measure -- measure a year?   
In daylights -- In sunsets  
In midnights -- In cups of coffee  
In inches -- In miles  
In laughter -- In strife  
In -- Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes  
How do you measure a year in the life?  
How about love?  
How about love?  
How about love?  
Measure in love  
Seasons of love  
Seasons of love  
[Sing it sister!]  
Soloist #1:  
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes  
Five hundred twenty-five thousand  
Journeys to plan  
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes  
How do you measure the life  
Of a woman or a man?  
Soloist #2:  
In truths that she learned  
Or in times that he cried  
In bridges he burned  
Or the way that she died  
All:  
It's time now - to sing out  
Tho' the story never ends  
Let's celebrate  
Remember a year in the life of friends  
Remember the love  
Remember the love  
Remember the love  
Measure in love  
Soloist #1:  
Measure, measure your life in love  
Seasons of love ...  
Seasons of love  
Mark (carrying mock door):  
Pan to the padlocked door. New Year's Rocking Eve. The breaking-back-into-the-building party.  
Mimi:  
How long till next year?  
Roger:  
Three and half minutes...  
Mimi:  
I'm giving up my vices  
I'm going back -- back to school [Oh, sure]  
Eviction or not  
[Cover: And I've] This week's been so hot  
That long as I've got you  
I know I'll be cool  
I couldn't crack the love code, dear  
'Til you made the lock on my heart explode  
It's gonna be a happy New Year  
A happy new year  
Mark:  
Coast is clear  
You're supposed to be working  
That's for midnight  
Where are they?  
There isn't much time  
Mimi:  
Maybe they're [un]dressing  
I mean what does one wear that's apropos  
For a party -- that's also a crime  
Maureen:  
Chips, anyone?  
Mark:  
You can take the girl out of Hicksville  
But you can't take the Hicksville out of the girl  
[Hey, I'm FROM Hicksville!]  
Maureen:  
My riot got you on TV  
I deserve a royalty  
Mimi:  
Be nice you two  
Or no god awful champagne  
Maureen:  
Don't mind if I do  
No luck?  
Roger:  
Bolted plywood, padlocked with a chain  
A total dead end  
Maureen:  
Just like my ex-girlfriend  
Honey...?  
I know you're there ...  
Please pick up the phone  
Are you okay?  
It's not funny  
It's not fair  
How can I atone?  
Are you okay?  
I lose control  
But I can learn to behave  
Give me one more chance  
Let me be your slave  
I'll kiss your Doc Martens  
Let me kiss your Doc Martens  
Your every wish I will obey  
Joanne:  
That might be okay  
Down girl  
Heel...stay [Good bitch]  
I did a bit of research  
With my friends at legal aid  
Technically, you're squatters  
There's hope  
But just in case  
Mark & Joanne:  
Rope!  
Mark:  
We can hoist a line --  
Joanne:  
To the fire escape --  
Mark:  
And tie off at...  
Mark & Joanne:  
That bench!  
Maureen:  
I can't take them as chums!  
Joanne:  
Start hoisting...wench!  
Roger:  
I think I should be laughing  
Yet I forget  
Forget how to begin  
I'm feeling something inside  
And yet I still can't decide  
If I should hide  
Or make a wide open grin  
Last week I wanted just to disappear  
My life was dust  
But now it just may be a happy new year  
A happy new year  
Collins:  
Bond -- James Bond  
Angel:  
And Pussy Galore -- in person  
Mimi:  
Pussy -- you came prepared  
Angel:  
I was a Boy Scout once  
And a brownie [Transvestite from the womb!]  
'Til some brat got scared  
Collins (to MIMI):  
Aha! Moneypenny -- my martini!  
Mimi:  
Will bad champagne do?  
Roger:  
That's shaken -- not stirred  
Collins:  
Pussy -- the bolts  
Angel:  
Just say the word!  
Mimi:  
Two minutes left to execute our plan  
Collins:  
Where's everyone else?  
Roger:  
Playing Spiderman  
Mark:  
Ironic close up: tight  
On the phone machine's red light  
Once the Boho boys are gone  
The power mysteriously comes on  
Mrs. Cohen:  
Mark, it's the wicked witch of the west your mother [Wicked witch laugh]  
Happy new year from Scarsdale  
We're all impressed that the riot footage  
Made the nightly news  
Even your father says Mazeltov  
Honey -- call him  
Love, Mom  
Alexi Darling:  
Mark Cohen  
Alexi Darling from Buzzline  
Mark:  
Oh, that show's so sleazy.  
Alexi Darling:  
Your footage on the riots: A-one  
Feature segment -- network - [Cover: meal time!] dealtime  
I'm sending you a contract  
[Echo] Ker-ching ker-ching [Throw coins]  
Marky give us a call 970-4301  
Or at home try 863-6754  
Or -- my cell phone at 919-763-0090  
Or -- you can e-mail me  
At Darling Alexi Newscom dot net  
Or -- you can page me at --  
Maureen:  
I think we need an agent!  
Mark:  
We?  
Joanne:  
That's selling out  
Mark:  
But it's nice to dream  
Maureen:  
Yeah -- it's network TV  
And it's all thanks to me  
Mark:  
Somehow I think I smell  
The whiff of a scheme [It's her cheap perfume]  
Joanne:  
Me too  
Maureen:  
We can plan another protest  
Joanne:  
We?  
Maureen:  
This time you can shoot from the start...  
You'll direct   
Starring me!  
All:  
5, 4, 3... Open sesame!!  
Happy new year  
Happy new year  
Happy new...  
Benny:  
I see that you've beaten me to the punch  
Roger:  
How did you know we'd be here?  
[He locked it, asshole!]  
Benny:  
I had a hunch  
Mark:  
You're not mad?  
Benny:  
I'm here to end this war  
It's a shame you went and destroyed the door  
Mimi:  
Why all the sudden the big about face  
Benny:  
The credit is yours  
You made a good case  
Roger:  
What case?  
Benny:  
Mimi came to see me  
And she had much to say  
Mimi:  
That's not how you put it at all yesterday  
Benny:  
I couldn't stop thinking about the whole mess  
Mark -- you want to get this on film  
Mark:  
I guess  
Benny:  
I regret the unlucky circumstances  
Of the past seven days  
Roger:  
Circumstance? You padlocked our door  
Benny:  
And it's with great pleasure  
On behalf of Cyber Arts  
That I hand you this key  
Angel:  
Golf claps [Polite clapping]  
Mark:  
I have no juice in my battery  
Benny:  
Reshoot  
Roger:  
I see -- this is a photo opportunity  
Maureen:  
The benevolent god  
Ushers the poor artists back to their flat  
Were you planning on taking down the barbed wire  
From the lot, too?  
Roger:  
Anything but that!  
Benny:  
Clearing the lot was a safety concern  
We break ground this month  
But you can return  
Maureen:  
That's why you're here with people you hate  
Instead of with Muffy at Muffy's estate  
Benny:  
I'd honestly rather be with you tonight than in Westport --  
Roger:  
Spare us old sport, the soundbite  
Benny:  
Mimi -- since your ways are so seductive  
Mimi:  
You came on to me!  
Benny:  
Persuade him not to be so counterproductive  
Roger:  
Liar!  
Benny:  
Why not tell them what you wore to my place?  
Mimi:  
I was on my way to work!  
Benny:  
Black leather and lace!  
My desk was a mess  
I think I'm still sore  
Mimi:  
Cause I kicked him and told him I wasn't his whore! [Go girl!]  
Benny:  
Does your boyfriend know  
Who your last boyfriend was?  
Roger:  
I'm not her boyfriend  
I don't care what she does  
Angel:  
People! Is this any way to start a new year?  
Have compassion  
Benny just lost his cat  
Benny:  
My dog -- but I appreciate that  
Angel:  
My cat had a fall  
And I went through hell  
Benny:  
It's like losing a --  
How did you know that she fell?  
Collins:  
Champagne?  
Benny:  
Don't mind if I do  
To dogs!  
All but Benny:  
No, Benny -- To you!  
Angel:  
Let's make a resolution  
Mimi:  
I'll drink to that  
Collins:  
Let's always stay friends  
Joanne:  
Tho' we may have our disputes  
Maureen:  
This family tree's got deep roots  
Mark:  
Friendship is thicker than blood [Blood is thicker than water!] [Water for chocolate!]  
Roger:  
That depends  
Mimi:  
Depends on trust  
Roger:  
Depends on true devotion  
Joanne:  
Depends on love  
Mark (to Roger):  
Depends on not denying emotion  
Roger:  
Perhaps  
All:  
It's gonna be a happy New Year  
Roger:  
I guess  
All:  
It's gonna be a happy new year  
Roger:  
You're right  
Angel:  
It's gonna be a happy New Year  
Roger & Mimi:  
I'm sorry  
Roger:  
Coming?  
Mimi:  
In a minute -- I'm fine -- go  
The Man:  
Well, well, well. What have we here?  
It's gonna be a happy new year [DON'T DO IT MIMI!]  
There, there...there  
Mark:  
Valentine's Day...Pan across the empty lot. Roger's down at Mimi's, where he's been for almost two months now -- although he keeps talking about selling his guitar and heading out of town...Still jealous of Benny... God knows where Collins and Angel are...Could be that new Shanty Town near the river or a suite at the Plaza...Maureen and Joanne are rehearsing...  
Joanne:  
I said once more from the top!  
[Stage Nazi!]  
Maureen:  
I said no!  
Mark:  
That is, if they're speaking this week. Me? I'm here. Nowhere.  
Joanne:  
The line is 'Cyber Arts and its corporate sponsor, Grey Communications, would like to mitigate the Christmas Eve riots.' What is so difficult...?  
Maureen:  
It just doesn't roll off my tongue. I like my version.!  
Joanne:  
You -- dressed as a ground hog. To protest the ground breaking!  
Maureen:  
It's a metaphor!  
Joanne:  
Well, it's less than brilliant!  
Maureen:  
That's it, Ms. Ivy League!  
Joanne:  
What?!  
Maureen:  
Ever since New Year's, I haven't said boo. I let you direct, I didn't pierce my nipples because it grossed you out! I didn't stay and dance at the Clit Club that night, 'cause you wanted to go home...  
Joanne:  
You were flirting with the woman in rubber!  
Maureen:  
That's what this is about!? There will always be women in rubber, flirting with me... Gimme a break. [Sing: Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece of that Mooing bitch!]  
Every single day  
I walk down the street  
I hear people say,  
"Baby's so sweet"  
Ever since puberty  
Everybody stares at me  
Boys - girls  
I can't can't help it baby  
So be kind  
Don't lose your mind  
Just remember that I'm your baby  
Take me for what I am  
Who I was meant to be  
And if you give a damn  
Take me baby or leave me  
Take me baby or leave me  
A tiger in a cage  
Can never see the sun  
This diva needs her stage  
Baby - let's have fun!  
You are the one I choose  
Folks'd kill to fill your shoes  
You love the limelight too, baby  
So be mine  
Or don't waste my time  
Cryin' -- "Honeybear -- are you still my baby?"  
Take me for what I am  
Who I was meant to be  
And if you give a damn  
Take me baby or leave me  
No way -- can I be what I'm not  
But hey -- don't you want your girl hot!  
Don't fight -- don't lose your head  
Cause every night -- who's in your bed?  
Who's in your bed, baby?  
Kiss, Pookie.  
Joanne:  
It won't work.  
I look before I leap  
I love margins and discipline  
I make lists in my sleep  
Baby what's my sin?  
Never quit -- I follow through  
I hate mess -- but I love you  
What to do  
With my impromptu baby?  
So be wise  
This girl satisfies  
You've got a prize  
But don't compromise  
You're one lucky baby  
Take me for what I am  
Maureen:  
[Cover: Remote] A control freak  
Joanne:  
Who I was meant to be  
Maureen:  
A snob -- yet over-attentive  
Joanne:  
And if you give a damn  
Maureen:  
A lovable, droll geek  
Joanne:  
Take me baby or leave me  
Maureen:  
And anal retentive!  
Both:  
That's it!  
Joanne:  
The straw that breaks my back! [So you're a camel?]  
Both:  
I quit  
Joanne:  
Unless you take it back  
Both:  
Women  
Maureen:  
What is it about them?  
Both:  
Can't live --  
With them --  
Or without them!  
Take me for what I am  
Who I was meant to be  
And if you give a damn  
Take me baby or leave me  
Take me baby  
Or leave me  
Guess I'm leavin'  
I'm gone!  
The Company:  
In diapers -- report cards  
In spoke wheels -- in speeding tickets  
In contracts -- dollars  
In funerals -- in births  
In -- five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes  
How do you figure  
A last year on earth?  
Figure in love  
Figure in love  
Figure in love  
Measure in love  
Seasons of love  
Seasons of love  
Roger:  
Where were you?  
Mimi:  
I'm sorry I'm late...  
Roger (interrupting):  
I know. You lost your keys. No, you went for a walk; you had to help your mother. (As he picks up the guitar) And how's Benny? I'm gonna work upstairs tonight.  
Mimi:  
Wait...  
I should tell you [Tell him already! We've been waiting the whole play for this!]  
I should ...  
Never mind...  
Roger:  
Happy Spring  
Mimi:  
Without you  
The ground thaws  
The rain falls  
The grass grows  
Without you  
The seeds root  
The flowers bloom  
The children play  
The stars gleam  
The poets dream  
The eagles fly  
Without you  
The earth turns  
The sun burns  
But I die  
Without you  
Without you  
The breeze warms  
The girl smiles  
The cloud moves  
Without you  
The tides change  
The boys run  
The oceans crash  
The crowds roar  
The days soar  
The babies cry  
Without you  
The moon glows  
The river flows  
But I die  
Without you  
Roger:  
The world revives  
Mimi:  
Colors renew  
Both:  
But I know blue  
Only blue  
Lonely blue  
Within me, blue  
Without you  
Mimi:  
Without you  
The hand gropes  
The ear hears  
The pulse beats  
Roger:  
Without you  
The eyes gaze  
The legs walk  
The lungs breathe  
Both:  
The mind churns  
The heart yearns  
The tears dry  
Without you  
Life goes on  
But I'm gone  
Cause I die  
Roger:  
Without you  
Mimi:  
Without you  
Roger:  
Without you  
Both:  
Without you  
Roger & Mark's Answering Machine  
"Speak" ... [Echo] ("Beeeep!")  
Alexi Darling:  
Mark Cohen  
Alexi Darling  
Labor Day weekend  
In East Hampton  
On the beach  
Just saw Alec Baldwin  
Told him you say hi  
Just kidding  
We still need directors  
You still need money  
You know you need money  
Pick up the phone  
Don't be afraid of [Echo] ker-ching ker-ching [Throw coins]  
Marky -- sell us your soul  
Just kidding  
We're waiting...  
Group A (Roger, Mark, Joanne, Benny):  
Hot-hot-hot-sweat-sweet  
Wet-wet-wet-red-heat  
Hot-hot-hot-sweat-sweet  
Wet-wet-wet-red-heat  
Please don't stop please  
Please don't stop stop  
Stop stop stop don't  
Please please please please  
Hot-hot-hot-sweat-sweet  
Wet-wet-wet-red-heat  
Sticky-licky-trickle-tickle  
Steamy-creamy-stroking-soaking  
Group B (Mimi, Collins, Maureen, Angel):  
Hot-hot-hot-sweat-sweet  
Wet-wet-wet-red-heat  
Collins:  
Touch!  
Maureen:  
Taste!  
Mimi:  
Deep!  
Collins:  
Dark!  
Maureen:  
Kiss!  
Collins:  
Beg!  
Mimi:  
Slap!  
Mimi, Maureen & Collins:  
Fear!  
Collins:  
Thick!  
Collins, Mimi & Maureen:  
Red, red  
Red, red  
Red, red -- please  
Maureen:  
Harder  
Angel:  
Faster  
Maureen:  
Wetter  
Mimi:  
Bastard!  
Collins:  
You whore!  
Maureen:  
You cannibal!  
Mimi & Angel:  
More!  
Maureen:  
You animal!  
Maureen, Collins & Mimi:  
Fluid no fluid no contact yes  
No contact  
All:  
Fire fire burn--burn yes!  
No latex rubber rubber  
Fire latex rubber latex bummer  
Lover bummer  
[Dance Angel dance!]  
Angel  
Take me  
Take me  
Today for you  
Tomorrow for me  
Today me  
Tomorrow you  
Tomorrow you  
Love  
you  
Love you  
I love  
You I love  
You!  
Take me  
Take me  
I love you  
Roger's Voice:  
Um  
Joanne's Voice:  
Wait  
Mimi's Voice:  
Slipped  
Collin's Voice:  
Shit  
Joanne's Voice:  
Ow!  
Roger's Voice:  
Where'd it go?  
Mimi's Voice:  
Safe  
Collin's Voice:  
Damn  
Maureen's Voice:  
I think I missed  
Don't get pissed  
All:  
It was bad for me -- was it bad for you?  
Joanne:  
It's over  
Maureen:  
It's over  
Roger:  
It's over  
Mimi:  
It's over  
Collins:  
It's over [Poor baby.]  
Mimi:  
Angel was one of my closest friends. It's right that it's Halloween, because it was her favorite holiday. I knew we'd hit it off from the moment we met. That skin head was bothering her, and she said she was more of a man than he'd ever be, and more of a woman than he'd ever get...  
[He was just a sweet transvestite!]  
Mark:  
...and then there was that time that he walked up to this group of tourists... and, they were petrified, because, a) they were obviously lost, and b) they had probably never spoken to a drag queen before in their lives...and he...she just offered to escort them out of Alphabet City, and then she let them take a picture with her, and then she said she'd help 'em find the Circle Line...  
Maureen:  
...so much more original then any of us...you'd find an old table cloth on the street and make a dress...and next year, sure enough -- they'd be mass producing them at the Gap. You always said how lucky you were that we were all friends.   
But it was us, baby, who were the lucky ones.  
Collins:  
Live in my house  
I'll be your shelter  
Just pay me back  
With one thousand kisses  
Be my lover  
And I'll cover you  
Open your door -- I'll be your tenant  
Don't got much baggage to lay at your feet  
But sweet kisses I've got to spare  
I'll be there -- I'll cover you  
I think they meant it  
When they said you can't buy love  
Now I know you can rent it  
A new lease you were, my love, on life  
All my life  
I've longed to discover  
Something as true  
As this is  
Joanne & Soloist:  
So with a thousand sweet kisses  
I'll cover you   
With a thousand sweet kisses  
I'll cover you   
With a thousand sweet kisses  
I'll cover you  
With a thousand sweet kisses  
I'll cover you  
Collins:  
  
If you're cold and you're lonely  
  
You've got one nickel only  
  
When you're worn out and tired  
  
When your heart has expired  
The Company:  
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes  
Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear  
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes  
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred -- measure a year  
Oh lover I'll cover you  
Oh lover I'll cover you  
Collins & Company:  
Oh lover  
I'll cover you  
Oh lover  
Collins:  
I'll cover you  
The Company:  
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes  
Five hundred twenty-five thousand seasons of love  
Collins:  
I'll cover you  
Mark:  
(on the pay phone)  
Hi. It's Mark Cohen. Is Alexi there?...No, don't bother her. Just tell her I'm running a little late for our appointment...Yes, I'm still coming... Yes, I signed the contract... Thanks...  
How did we get here?  
How the hell...  
Pan left -- close on the steeple of the church  
How did I get here?  
How the hell...  
Christmas  
Christmas Eve -- last year  
How could a night so frozen be so scalding hot?  
How can a morning this mild be so raw?  
Why are entire years strewn  
On the cutting room floor of memory  
When single frames from one magic night  
Forever flicker in close-up  
On the 3D Imax [Trademark] of my mind  
That's poetic  
That's pathetic  
Why did Mimi knock on Roger's door  
And Collins choose that phone booth  
Back where Angel set up his drums  
Why did Maureen's equipment break down [Moo!]  
Why am I the witness  
And when I capture it on film  
Will it mean that it's the end  
And I'm alone  
Mimi (to Roger):  
It's true you sold your guitar and bought a car?  
Roger:  
It's true -- I'm leaving now for Santa Fe  
It's true you're with this yuppie scum?  
Benny:  
You said you'd never speak to him again  
Mimi:  
Not now  
Maureen:  
Who said that you have any say  
In who she says things to at all?  
Roger:  
Yeah!  
Joanne:  
Who said that you should  
Stick your nose in other people's ...  
Maureen:  
Who said I was talking to you?  
Joanne:  
We used to have this fight each night  
Mark:  
Calm down  
Joanne:  
She'd never admit I existed  
Mark:  
Everyone please!  
Mimi:  
He was the same way -- he was always  
"Run away -- hit the road  
Don't commit" -- you're full of shit!  
Joanne:  
She's in denial  
Mimi:  
He's in denial  
Joanne:  
Didn't give an inch  
When I gave a mile  
Mark:  
Come on  
Mimi:  
I gave a mile  
Roger:  
Gave a mile to who?  
Mark & Benny:  
Come on guys, chill!  
[Jer-RY! Jer-RY!]  
Mimi & Joanne:  
I'd be happy to die for a taste of what Angel had  
Someone to live for -- unafraid to say I love you  
Roger:  
All your words are nice Mimi  
But love's not a three way street  
You'll never share real love  
Until you love yourself -- I should know  
Collins:  
You all said you'd be cool today  
So please -- for my sake...  
I can't believe he's gone  
(to Roger) I can't believe you're going   
I can't believe this family must die  
Angel helped us believe in love  
I can't believe you disagree  
All:  
I can't believe this is goodbye [Sing: So long, farewell, aviedusae, adieu!]  
Maureen:  
Pookie...  
Joanne:  
Honeybear...  
Joanne:  
I missed you...  
Maureen:  
I missed your smell...  
Joanne:  
I missed your mouth...Your...  
Maureen:  
Ow!  
Joanne:  
What?  
Maureen:  
Nothing, Pookie.  
Joanne:  
No, baby, you said ow...What?  
Maureen:  
Well, you bit my tongue...  
[S&M all the way!]  
Joanne:  
No, I didn't.  
Maureen:  
You did -- I'm bleeding.  
Joanne:  
No, it isn't...  
Maureen:  
I think I should know  
Joanne:  
Let me see--  
Maureen:  
She doesn't believe me!  
Joanne:  
I was only trying to...  
Pastor:  
Thomas B. Collins...  
Collins:  
Coming.  
Mark:  
I hear there are great restaurants out west  
Roger:  
Some of the best. How could she?  
Mark:  
How could you let her go?  
Roger:  
You just don't know ... How could we lose Angel?  
Mark:  
Maybe you'll see why when you stop escaping your pain  
At least now if you try -- Angel's death won't be in vain  
Roger:  
His death is in vain [Is not!]  
Mark:  
Are you insane?  
There so much to care about  
There's me -- there's Mimi  
Roger:  
Mimi's got her baggage, too  
Mark:  
So do you  
Roger:  
Who are you to tell me what I know, what to do  
Mark:  
A friend  
Roger:  
But who, Mark, are you?  
"Mark has got his work"  
They say "Mark lives for his work"  
And "Mark's in love with his work"  
Mark hides in his work  
Mark:  
But from what?  
Roger:  
From facing your failure, facing your loneliness  
Facing the fact you live a lie  
Yes, you live a lie -- tell you why  
You're always preaching not to be numb  
When that's how you thrive  
You pretend to create and observe  
When you really detach from feeling alive  
Mark:  
Perhaps it's because I'm the one of us to survive  
Roger:  
[Echo] Poor baby!  
Mark:  
Mimi still loves Roger  
Is Roger really jealous  
Or afraid that Mimi's weak  
Roger:  
Mimi did look pale  
Mark:  
Mimi's gotten thin  
Mimi's running out of time  
Roger's running out the door  
Roger:  
No more! Oh no!  
I've gotta go  
Mark:  
Hey, for somebody who's always been let down  
Who's heading out of town?  
Roger:  
For someone who longs for a community of his own,  
Who's with his camera, alone?  
(Roger takes a step to go, then stops, turns)  
I'll call  
I hate the fall  
(Roger turns to go and sees Mimi)  
You heard?  
Mimi:  
Every word  
You don't want baggage without lifetime guarantees  
You don't want to watch me die  
I just came to say  
Goodbye, love  
Goodbye, love  
Came to say goodbye, love, goodbye  
Mimi:  
Just came to say  
Goodbye love  
Goodbye love  
Goodbye love  
Goodbye!  
Roger:  
Glory  
One blaze of  
Glory  
  
Have to find...  
Mimi:  
Please don't touch me  
Understand  
I'm scared  
I need to go away  
Mark:  
I know a place -- a clinic  
Benny:  
A rehab? [Yay rehab!]  
Mimi:  
Maybe -- could you?  
Benny:  
I'll pay  
Mimi:  
Goodbye love  
Goodbye love  
Came to say goodbye, love, goodbye  
Just came to say  
Goodbye love  
Goodbye love  
Goodbye love  
Hello disease  
Pastor:  
Off the premises now, we give no handouts here!  
Mark:  
What happened to Rest In Peace?!  
Pastor:  
Off the premises, queer! [Ouch!]  
Collins:  
That's no way to send a boy to meet his maker!  
They had to know we couldn't pay the undertaker.  
Benny:  
(To Collins) Don't you worry 'bout him.   
(To Pastor) Hey, I'll take care of it!  
Mark:  
Must be nice to have money.  
All Three:  
No shit!  
Collins:  
I think it's only fair to tell you, you just paid for the funeral of the person who killed your dog.  
Benny:  
I know... I always hated that dog...  
Let's pay him off, and then get drunk.  
Mark:  
I can't... I have a meeting.  
Benny & Collins:  
Punk! Let's go.  
Mark (imagining):  
Hi. Mark Cohen here, reporting for Buzzline. Back to you, Alexi! Coming up next, vampire welfare queens who are compulsive bowlers... Oh my God, what am I doing? [No shit!]  
Don't breathe too deep  
Don't think all day  
Dive into work  
Drive the other way  
That drip of hurt  
That pint of shame  
Goes away  
Just play the game  
You're living in America  
At the end of the millennium  
You're living in America  
Leave your conscience at the tone  
And when you're living in America  
At the end of the millennium  
You're what you own  
Roger:  
The filmmaker cannot see [Mark's blind!]  
Mark:  
And the songwriter cannot hear [Roger's deaf!]  
Roger:  
Yet I see Mimi everywhere  
Mark:  
Angel's voice is in my ear  
Roger:  
Just tighten those shoulders  
Mark:  
Just clench your jaw till you frown  
Roger:  
Just don't let go  
Both:  
Or you may drown  
You're living in America  
At the end of the millennium  
You're living in America  
Where it's like the Twilight Zone  
And when you're living in America  
At the end of the millennium  
You're what you own  
So I own not a notion  
I escape and ape content  
I don't own emotion -- I rent  
Mark:  
What was it about that night  
Roger:  
What was it about that night  
Both:  
Connection -- in an isolating age  
Mark:  
For once the shadows gave way to light  
Roger:  
For once the shadows gave way to light  
Both:  
For once I didn't disengage  
Mark:  
Angel -- I hear you -- I hear it [Angel's on the phone?]  
I see it -- I see it  
My film!  
Roger:  
Mimi I see you -- I see it  
I hear it -- I hear it  
My song!  
Mark (on the phone):  
Alexi -- Mark  
Call me a hypocrite  
I need to finish my own film  
I quit!  
Roger:  
One song -- glory  
Mimi  
Your eyes...  
Both:  
Dying in America  
At the end of the millennium  
We're dying in America  
To come into our own  
And when you're dying in America  
At the end of the millennium  
You're not alone  
I'm not alone  
I'm not alone  
  
Roger & Mark's Answering Machine:  
"Speak..." [Echo] (Beep)  
Roger's Mother:  
Roger, this is your mother  
Roger, honey, I don't get these postcards  
"Moving to Santa Fe"  
"Back in New York  
Starting a rock band"  
Roger, where are you? -- Please call  
Mimi's Mother:  
Mimi, chica, donde estas?  
Tu mama esta llamando  
Donde estas Mimi -- Call  
Mr. Jefferson:  
Kitten -- wherever are you -- Call  
Mrs. Cohen:  
Mark -- are you there -- are you there  
I don't know if he's there  
We're all here wishing you were here too  
Where are you Mark are you there are you where are you  
Mark -- are you there -- are you there  
I don't know if -- Please call your mother  
All Seven Homeless People:  
Christmas bells are ringing  
Christmas bells are ringing  
Christmas bells are ringing  
How time flies  
[Cover: When you're watching RENT] When compassion dies  
No stockings  
No candy canes  
No gingerbread  
No safety net  
No loose change  
No change no  
One Homeless Man:  
"Santy Claus is coming"  
All:  
Cause Santy Claus ain't coming  
No room at the Holiday Inn -- again  
Well, maybe next year --  
Or - when  
[Back where we began]  
Mark:  
December 24th, ten p.m. Eastern standard time  
I can't believe a year went by so fast  
Time to see what we have time to see  
Turn the projector on  
First shot Roger  
With the fender guitar he just got out of hock  
When he sold the car  
That took him away and back  
Roger:  
I found my song  
Mark:  
He found his song  
If he could just find Mimi  
Roger:  
I tried -- you know I tried  
Mark:  
Fade in on Mark  
Who's still in the dark  
Roger:  
But he's got great footage  
Mark:  
Which he's cut together  
Roger:  
To screen tonight  
Mark:  
In honor of Benny's wife  
Roger:  
Muffy  
Mark:  
Alison  
Pulling Benny out of the East Village location  
(The projector blows a fuse. Blackout)  
Roger:  
Then again, maybe we won't screen it tonight.  
Mark:  
I wonder how Allison found out about Mimi?  
Roger:  
Maybe a little bird told her. [Or he was watching the show!]  
Collins:  
Or an angel.  
I had a little hunch that you could use a little flow  
Roger:  
Tutoring again?  
Collins:  
Negative  
Mark:  
Back at N.Y.U.?  
Collins:  
No, no, no  
I rewired the ATM at the food emporium  
To provide an honorarium to anyone with the code  
Roger & Mark:  
The code --  
Well...?  
Collins:  
A-N-G-E-L [Cheerleader-like actions while spelling Angel]  
Yet Robin Hooding isn't the solution  
The powers that be must be undermined where they dwell  
In a small, exclusive gourmet institution  
Where we overcharge the wealthy clientele  
All Three:  
Let's open up a restaurant in Santa Fe  
With a private corner banquette in the back  
Collins:  
We'll make it yet, we'll somehow get to Santa Fe  
Roger:  
But you'd miss New York before you could unpack  
All:  
Ohh-  
Maureen:  
Mark! Roger! Anyone -- help!  
Mark:  
Maureen?  
Maureen:  
It's Mimi -- I can't get her up the stairs  
Roger:  
No!  
[This is a job for SUPERMARK!]  
Mauren:  
She was huddled in the park in the dark  
And she was freezing  
And begged to come here  
Roger:  
Over here  
Oh, God --  
Mimi:  
Got a light -- I know you -- you're shivering...  
Joanne:  
She's been living on the street  
Roger:  
We need some heat  
Mimi:  
I'm shivering  
Mark:  
We can buy some wood and something to eat  
Collins:  
I'm afraid she needs more than heat  
Mimi:  
I heard that  
Maureen:  
Collins will call for a doctor, honey  
Mimi:  
Don't waste your money on Mimi, me, me  
Collins:  
Hello -- 911?  
I'm on hold! [Is that possible?]  
Mimi:  
Cold...cold... would you light my candle? [Flick lighter on and then off]  
Roger:  
Yes -- we'll -- oh God -- find a candle  
Mimi:  
I should tell you  
I should tell you  
Roger:  
I should tell you  
I should tell you  
Mimi:  
I should tell you  
Benny wasn't any --  
Roger:  
Shhh -- I know  
I should tell you why I left  
It wasn't cause I didn't --  
Mimi:  
I know  
I should tell you  
Roger:  
I should tell you  
Mimi (whispering):  
I should tell you  
I love you - [That's IT?]  
Roger:  
Who do you think you are?  
Leaving me alone with my guitar  
Hold on there's something you should hear  
It isn't much but it took all year  
[Sing: One song, glory...]  
Roger:  
Your eyes  
As we said our goodbyes  
Can't get them out of my mind  
And I find I can't hide  
From your eyes  
The ones that took me by surprise  
The night you came into my life  
Where there's moonlight I see your eyes  
How'd I let you slip away  
When I'm longing so to hold you  
Now I'd die for one more day  
'Cause there's something I should have told you  
Yes there's something I should have told you  
When I looked into your eyes  
Why does distance make us wise?  
You were the song all along  
And before this song dies  
I should tell you I should tell you  
I have always loved you  
You can see it in my eyes  
[echo] Mimi!  
Mimi:  
I jumped over the moon!!  
Roger:  
What?  
Mimi:  
A leap of mooooooooooooooo-[moooooooooo]   
Joanne:  
She's back!  
Mimi:  
I was in a tunnel. Heading for this warm, white light...  
Maureen:  
Oh my god!  
Mimi:  
And I swear, Angel was there -- and she looked good! And she said, "Turn around, girlfriend, and listen to that boy's song..."  
Collins:  
She's drenched  
Maureen:  
Her fever's breaking  
Mark:  
There is no future -- there is no past  
Roger:  
Thank God this moment's not the last!  
Mimi & Roger:  
There's only us  
There's only this  
Forget regret or life is yours to miss  
All:  
No other road no other way  
No day but today  
Women:  
I can't control  
My destiny  
I trust my soul  
My only goal is just to be  
Without you  
The hand gropes  
The ear hears  
The pulse beats  
Life goes on  
But I'm gone  
'Cause I die  
Without you  
I die without you  
I die without you   
No day but today  
Men:  
Will I lose my dignity?  
Will someone care?  
Will I wake tomorrow  
From this nightmare?  
There's only now  
There's only here  
Give in to love  
Or live in fear  
No other path  
No other way   
No day but today  
No day but today  
No day but today  
  
No day but today  
All:  
[echo] No day but today!  



End file.
